Jeez...

OMG, life IS a minefield!

My boss is stressing me out. No, not about work... she's great. But her personal life is freaking me out. We are friends and she's my boss.

So, she's got a little friend in a different city. I call him Jew-boy. He's orthodox, and I think he's great. We're gentiles.

They are in what might be the beginnings of an affair. He's been married for something like 22 years, and she's been married for something like 11. Her husband has been an asshole for the last year or so, but he's been doing a lot better lately. His wife is appearantly fine... and his relationship is fine, except that he's in regular contact with my friend.

Their career fields overlap a bit, but they don't have official occasion to see each other more than twice or three times a year. That means that there is no real incidental contact. Every conversation, every visit has to be engineered.

He told her he'd like to tell his wife about her, but he doesn't think his wife would understand... uh... DUH.

She is a very self-controlled person who is not into destroying families - her own or anybody else's. What worries me is that sometimes our hearts are bigger than our heads - and she's never experienced that before. Neither has he, I don't think.

I have. I had an affair when I was 20 with a 35 year old pastor who had three kids and who's church membership numbered in the five digits. Neither of us meant to - we just fell in love. We tried to stop, we aren't like that normally...

The things she says and does sound a lot like the things the pastor and I said and did.

But, to be honest, I know that life is rich. I'm not somebody who says that once you're married all attractions stop, or that you're cheating if you happen to be attracted to somebody besides your husband. I don't even say that affairs are always bad. I also don't think it's somebody else's job to protect my own marraige - meaning that if my husband has an affair on me, it's HIS fault, not the other woman's, b/c it's my husband who has a responsibility to protect his own marraige - that's not some outside woman's job.

I'm pretty liberal about it all in theory. I believe in the right to choose, but I can't imagine choosing to have an abortion myself. I believe that sometimes affairs can be good, but I can't imagine having one myself... Actually, IMAGINING is fine... it's the DOING that I don't ever want to do to myself or my husband...

But my stomach is in knots.

My favorite thing ever is "the ways of boys and girls together." I don't know how else to put it. I love gender issues, sex issues, language and its interplay with culture, etc. I really believe that the question of whether or not culture comes from language or language comes from culture is interesting.

I know that our society has limited words for love and a limited number of ways to categorize relationships. I know that very often reality is much more complex than our language provides words to describe, so we often want to put limiting lables on things - good or bad. We want to classify friendships as affairs if they seem to close, or as homosexual relationships if they seem too close, etc.

I'm trying to leave room for all of that, but I'm getting stressed, and it's not even any of my business. It's possible I'm jealous. I do think he's pretty cool, from what I know of him. And I'm envious of anybody who finds great attraction in our boring day to day, but I'm pretty sure that's not what my stress is about.

I do wish I could be his friend - a real friend, not an affair. I don't know any Jewish people personally. I think his religion is interesting... and I'm interested in the fact that he's chosen it - his parent's are Christian - Jews by heredity, but Chrisitian by practice.

The Jewish rules and order and mystic view of God are appealing to me. He's funny - I asked him about what I thought were called "phylactories" (prayer boxes) and at first he didn't know what I was talking about. But I said "nevermind," and he persued it b/c he said it sounded like a Greek word. I described what I meant and said that I'm sure it is a Greek word b/c I grew up going to Christian church all the time, and they have a penchant for liking the Greek rather than the Hebrew. I think his word was "perfillim" or something like that.

Anyway - he sent a text to my friend asking her if she thought I'd like him to tie me up with them, and I loved that. It seemed so sacriligious and naughty - it was just fun.

He's well educated and interesting, and I don't blame her for liking him... I don't BLAME her for anything... I just feel anxious.

He sent her the most amazing Christmas gift ever. She's had a crush on a regionally famous personality for a few years now. He somehow managed to get the personality to send her an autographed picture with a personal message thanking her for the work she does. It just came in a big envelope to her, hand addressed by somebody with the return address of the organization this personality is with. No explanation, no nothing.

She asked Jew Boy how he was able to do it, and he said they're from the same tribe. We went today to the custom framing shop where she plunked down a hundred bucks to have it framed.

It's none of my business... I'm just trying to get it all out so I don't think about it anymore - at least for a while until she tells me too much info again.

She used to have to travel every week to another state, stay S-T, and come back to our office on Friday. She passed through his city to get to the other state, and he made her a care package. Homemade soup, hummus and chips, wine... Told her she needed somebody to take care of her while she was gone.

Eeek.

Whatever. I'm sure I'm just jealous.